Learn more about our resident mental health expert and author of Mental Health Mondays, Jade Savage.

Hi Moms!

How are you doing? Sending another holiday check-in to make sure everyone is taking the time and doing the things that they need to do to take care of themselves during the holidays! This might be setting a boundary with your parents and in-laws. It might be saying no to another holiday party. It might be deciding against another activity with the kids and choosing to just relax altogether instead. Whatever it looks like for you, do it! Your mental health is important even during the holidays, just as managing your kids’ emotions and mental health during the holidays are essentially important as well.

How are your littles handling their big emotions? How are you handling their big emotions? The importance is providing clarity for both parties and helping them understand what is going on. Further, helping them with tools so that they will have a better time at managing their emotions. Be patient with them and with yourself during those big moments. Highlight how normal it is for people to have big emotions and that a lot of people struggle with managing them. Normalize the struggle, so that they feel less alone! Promote resiliency so that in the future when there are big emotions and struggles, they can bounce back afterward.

What are our thoughts telling us?

In the previous posts I have mentioned about being mindful about what thoughts are going through our brains, and challenging those thoughts if they aren’t serving us. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a theory or form of therapy that focuses on those thoughts, and works to understand how our perceptions, beliefs, and systems determines our thoughts. From those thoughts determines our emotions, followed by behaviors and then resulting in consequences. Another way to look at this is through the ABC model which stands for Antecedents, Beliefs, and Consequences. This view of how we perceive a situation and the thoughts that follow really determine the outcome is extremely helpful when looking at our life problems. It helps us understand and focus on irrational thoughts and beliefs, that lead to emotions and behaviors that are not ideal to us. When we can notice whether our thoughts or beliefs are rational or irrational, we can challenge them and change them.

Let’s start from the beginning. The antecedent, or an event or situation happens, our underlying beliefs are going to determine how we perceive that antecedent, or what are thoughts are saying about that antecedent. So how we think about that situation will then affect how we feel and behave. After the antecedent and our thoughts, it’s going to determine how we feel. Maybe these feelings are sad, alone, angry, anxious, and so forth. Based on those thoughts and feelings, comes our behaviors. Behaviors such avoiding, yelling, crying, speaking negatively towards oneself or to others, storming out, and so forth. From these behaviors then comes the consequence or the outcome. I use this to describe our reality. Following this sequence will show you your reality.

Is this making sense? Can you see how our interpretations/perceptions about something and our thoughts determine our behaviors and outcomes? It can be challenging to look at it from an outside view, so it can be helpful to use a journal to write things down to look at them better. For example, say something just happened that you reacted to that you didn’t like, or it did not serve you. Maybe you are reflecting about what happened. Think back to what started it all. What thought went through your head? What did you say to yourself? Was it rational? Was it true? We often tell ourselves things are false. Focusing on facts and the truth here is essential. Further, did those thoughts make you feel good or bad? After determining that, you can write down different thoughts and change them. Practice those changes and see how your feelings would change as well as your behaviors. Finally, how the outcome would change.

Let’s run through an example of this. I am stuck in traffic on my way to work. I start to get worried about not making it to work on time. My thoughts are feeding into the worry, saying that I might get fired if I am late to work. My feelings are worried and anxious. I get to a stop light that is quickly turning red. I do not stop because I am now rushing to work (behavior). My outcome is getting pulled over for running a red light, and now even more late to work. I am really late to work, and I am feeling so anxious and self-conscious about being so late to work.

My thoughts about the event led to my feelings, which led to my behavior and the outcome.

Now let’s challenge the thoughts in the example. I am stuck in traffic. Instead of thinking negatively, I can show myself understanding. The traffic is not in my control, and this usually does not happen to me. I won’t get fired for being late one time, especially because it was not a fault of my own. I am human and I am allowed to be imperfect. I am still a little nervous because I don’t like being late. But now there is self-compassion included within the nerves. Because we are stopped at a red light, I will shoot my supervisor a quick text to let them know that I am stuck in unprecedented traffic and will be in later than expected. When I did finally get to work, my morning meeting was rescheduled, and my supervisor and co-worker met me with understanding. Changing my negative thoughts to positive thoughts, positively affected my feelings, behaviors, and the outcome.

Does looking at the example make more sense of viewing our thoughts, behaviors, and outcomes this way? I hope it does. The more we practice this awareness and mindfulness, the better we will get at noticing our negative thought patterns and working towards changing them to positive ones that serve us better. I challenge you to start seeing this in your daily life. Are there times and ways that you can bring more awareness to your thoughts? Are there times where you can see how your negative thoughts affected your behavior? Start being in a state of mindfulness and take control of your thoughts! Again, writing this down can be helpful. You can write down the negative thought, cross it out and write a positive one. Repeat the positive, so that you are able to feel the effects of thinking more positively.

This can be hard at first, but I encourage you to begin this practice now. You will be able to apply this to many parts of your life, and challenges that you face. Further, once you feel like you have an understanding and start using this in your own life, you can work with your children about this idea. Help them to understand that their thoughts are determining their behaviors and outcome. Taking control of your thoughts is a big and important first step.

I loved chatting with you! Remember to always be kind to yourself. When working through the through process, it can be a lot of work and challenging on your emotions. It is important for you to reward yourself after the work you do. Self-care is a necessary task for mothers, especially after doing hard mental health work. Prioritize your self-care so that you are filling your bucket back up and feeling good. Remember, you can’t pour into others buckets when yours is empty. Be there for yourself lady!

Reminder: this is not a form of therapy/counseling. If you are experiencing negative mental health symptoms, I encourage you to reach out to a local mental health professional so that you are able to get direct help.