Learn more about our resident mental health expert and author of Mental Health Mondays, Jade Savage.

Hello moms!

Last week we touched on a few practical things that you can implement into your life that will increase the state of your mental health. We talked about finding that adult time. I know that finding that time can sometimes be a challenge, but I am going to keep encouraging you to make that time for yourself! While chatting with a client, she was explaining to me how there is not enough time in her day to find that time, or when there is that time it’s difficult to get up and out of the house. I challenged her to schedule it into her day as a non-negotiable. When the motivation to get out of the house is not there, it doesn’t matter because you’ve already made that commitment to yourself, and you must follow through.

The Need For Support

A reason that parents don’t get meaningful adult time, is because of the lack of support they have. When I say support, I mean other people to help take over kid duty while you enjoy and indulge in that adult time. It can be so hard to find support or to feel comfortable enough to make that decision. I understand, and I am here with you during that challenge of needing the adult time, but who is going to help with the child(ren)? It’s important to remember that we are not expecting a massive jump in taking steps towards finding that support, but small steps. These first small steps could be a variety of things. Each of you are going to have your own unique circumstances that will determine what these steps are. Here are some options to get you started — start a conversation with your spouse about finding someone to help watch the children, talk to your own support group of friends and family about how they found care for their children, talk to them about who they have used to help care, things you should be looking for in a babysitter or nanny, a family member or friend being able to watch the children, and so forth. Right at the end of that list is asking someone to watch your kids for you, but at the beginning are the little steps that you can begin today that will increase your chances of gaining that adult time.

I understand that it can be scary leaving your children with a new babysitter or nanny that you just met. That struggle is so normal, and that moms and parents alike all feel that nerve-racking feeling. Do your research. Use a site that has been supported and has reviews. If you find someone from an outside source, ask for references that you can reach out to. Maybe you find a babysitter who has babysat for your friends or family so that you know they are trustworthy. Take your time and trust your gut! The important part is that you are actively taking steps to achieve that adult time and feeling good about it! I don’t want you out with your girlfriend while being a nervous wreck about your child at home with the babysitter. Make the steps that you feel are necessary to feel calm and happy about spending time away from your children.

Why am I continuing to talk about adult time? Because as adults with children, if we are not careful, we will do nothing but have our lives revolve around our kids. Which is not necessarily a bad thing, but you must fill your own bucket to be able to give back to your kids and family.

Talking about support, next week we are going to talk about finding support for yourselves. We not only need support for our children but for ourselves as well!

Challenge Your Thoughts

Last week we talked about taking those deep breaths. How is it going? Are you being mindful in your attempt to pay attention to your thoughts and focus on that deep breathing? I encourage you to continue practicing the mindfulness of your breathing and the breathing techniques mentioned such as the one-minute-deep breathing. I also deeply encourage you to pay attention to your thoughts when that anxiety or other big feelings are rising. Are your thoughts negative? Are they feeding into the worry, fear, sadness and so forth? The challenge here is to pay attention to those thoughts and change them when they are not serving you. A pen and paper can be helpful here because you can write down your thoughts. Next, decide how that thought makes you feel. After that is worked out, you can write a new thought that makes you feel better and better aligns with you. Here is an example. Thought: I am all alone. Feeling: Lonely, sad. New thought: Although I am alone right now, I have a support system that I can rely on. New feeling: Still a little lonely, but hopeful. Another relaxation technique different than deep breathing, is when you tense a specific muscle group with an inhale, and with the exhale you relax the muscle group. Then continue with other muscle groups throughout your body. Your hands, shoulders, feet, arms, butt, abs, and so forth. Tense and release with your breath and you will be able to feel your body relax.

This is going to take some practice. And it won’t make you instantly feel better necessarily. The more you practice and are mindful about these thoughts, it will get easier and make you feel better. Which is the goal, right? To avoid the spiral of negative thoughts and negative feelings and stop them here and now before it gets any worse. Here is how it can work. When you start feeling those big feelings, and are mindful about what is happening, you do your deep breathing (or muscle tension and relaxation) which will calm you down and you can move your focus to your thoughts and reconstruct them.

Let’s have a recap before we go! Take steps into achieving adult time. Work on finding support and having conversations regarding outside help to care for your children. The goal is to find and commit to that adult time and remind yourself that it’s for you and your family. Next, when those anxieties arise, or other big feelings such as sadness or worry, start to be mindful of your thoughts. Work on relaxation techniques (breathing and muscle tension) and focus on what your thoughts are saying and move them to better align with yourself.

I loved chatting with you! You can do this; I believe in you! Please be kind to yourself and practice self-compassion. See you next time!

Reminder: this is not a form of therapy/counseling. If you are experiencing negative mental health symptoms, I encourage you to reach out to a local mental health professional so that you are able to get direct help.